and which ones are your real friends

i don't know what is happening to me, but i am losing self-esteem. i spent most of today's hours just waiting for the "right time" to enter the faculty office to consult to my thesis adviser. it is difficult and my senses just totally remind me of their grandiose existence of pimples alarming anyone's perception of me. the curse of finding "difficulty" in co-existing is that the more you try to cringe away from people's peripheral visions, the more they actually notice.
i sometimes get this courageous "i don't give a shit" mentality when there are other people around, but these days it's as  rare a month as a full moon.

i felt great today because my friend Cathy paid me for the short comic-fable i did for her. she even gave me M&M's! wow.
i didn't get a photo of it because i got mad at my friends. i offered it to them and were either like "that already fell on the ground. fuck you" or "that's a fake." and then when they realize it didn't and isn't, they ended up devouring the whole thing. to be honest i am fed up with people who don't trust me, i mean what the fuck did i ever do to you??? i just feel like crying sometimes because i really don't have the kind of friend i want. my ""friends"" in school are the kind of people who barely cares whether i am present along with them or not and, as situations show, they do not trust me (i am a bit of a prankster sometimes, i know, but still,. . .) bullshit. i am just really mad about them.  it's also annoying when they're like, if i did something good to somebody, like, a favor or something, they end up taking it against me since we're ~friends" i ~should~ do them a ~favor~ too. what the fuck is with that method of thinking, seriously.
I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT I DO NOT OWE ANYONE ANYTHING. alright, i appreciate good things people do to me and i am grateful for all of it, but hell, please, I AM NOT ENTITLED TO BE HELPFUL TO YOU. if that's the point of anyone's being nice to me, so they can hit me back with such reminders, i would gladly punch them in the face.
in general i really hate humanity for this commonplace idiocies that seem very "natural" to their actions.
this, however, has nothing to do with anything. #irrelevant
new anthem