and some matters about the "self".

as i have said before, i am very much keeping certain matters to myself that would probably make me feel lighter if i  let out here. but i feel it is now isn't the time for it yet. it may always seem like i am the kind of person who wants to let out my miseries to everyone but that is not exactly how it works. my twitter is a place for both arbitrary and constant feelings wailing to be addressed, but still, i don't want (me and anyone-) to think that i am a reckless driver of words i itch to scream off. i acknowledge the fine line between the act of expressing emotions for one's own comfort and the consideration of the reader's consumption of the thoughts of people they follow or befriend online.

i might carelessly talk about the things that bother me (there's not a great number of it anyways) some time soon, when i do not cling to the concept of psychic distance during these blogging-times. i sometimes feel drained too, as though i have no more water inside me to pour out. in front of my diary i could be a faucet twisted open to its limit, with no liquids coming out, just making strange sounds from echoes of pipes as its intestines. maybe its because i am a person of many ways to let out steam. i have three notebooks for my thoughts and ramblings, i have a scratch/trash-doodle pad, i have twitter, a facebook (where i usually post a long rant only to delete it after twenty seconds), this blog, and of course, there's painting..

being a rather unintelligent semi-creative diarist, i may appear to another person as an egoistic scum who thinks too much of one's self. maybe most of the time i really am that. but not always. not often. i like to think of my (inner) self as a garden, where i plant in only the nicest and wildest flowers i have, and i put the others out on a different yard (my notebooks). although i write my best flowers there, too. (this is actually tricky to explain)

i have this new tumblr blog where i post writings; short stories, etc. (which i won't link in here but would tell you the URL if you ask). i have shown it to a couple of friends, but i would much prefer if strangers read it and tell me their comments/opinions. it's just so annoying because people who know me read my shit and think only of my works as overly dramatic rants/diary entries that shouldn't be taken seriously. they don't see my attempts of writing styles and drama of it. they're just like; "wow, you're still very bitter about that." and when they're like that i feel very much obliged to punch them in the face. 


and his being one of the most unreliable bloggers on the planet.

the latter paragraphs of my previous blog entry was stupid because i said (hereby i quote;) 
"one thing i can talk about however is this little set of images i am gonna have for print this Thursday. it's all for my notebooks & journal. i did this instead of my massive pile of stupid homeworks and with brave ignorance of my growing collection of thesis-related MS Word documents."
so i said this ^ though i have actually forgot to post the image i meant to put up with it! lol i am an idiot.
it's this;
i want to use this to decorate the cover of my notebook in Creative Writing (as seen Here) but that particular notebook is passed on to the teacher's office, so i can't. my cover-designing life is SO exciting because  we had to buy this Field Study handbook and the teacher says we can make stuff for it's cover too! hurrah hurrah hurrah. the gods of collage are blessing me~
but regarding blog-matters i am in reality somehow miserable because i just discovered terrible typo errors in my old entries. my heart just breaks too badly when i notice them at a time when they already got more than three views (my maximum number of views, tbh. god i'm so popular ha ha)

meanwhile, here is a DOWNLOAD LINK to ADHD Magazine's fourth issue (themed; The Kids Know) where i am featured! click this, baby <3

last night i thought of how there are many going-pns in my life that i never get to write here. i have two reasons why it's so;
1) i don't want to tell everything.
like yeah, this surely is my online diary whatevs but i still want to keep some facts of my life to life itself, i mean, i don't want to be this kind of person whose blog everyone reads and will eventually learn everything about me from. some huge parts of my personality and daily behaviour/occurances are never described here. or not even in my handheld journal or anywhere. for instance my wild, reckless, uneducated approach to my teachers in which i interrupt them in midsentence to tell my jokes and  do this unrequited role-play dramas where i call them "mum" or "Lemuel" (my prof's actual name! ha ha) and say weird TV-cliche shit. also, i am student-teaching now and it's just really crazy and meta and i can't discipline my mouth half the time. such things (and others) are rather difficult to describe, so i leave them out of the drawn picture.
2) it's hard to write decently.
it is. being an English-major, the pressure of being coherent, cohesive, grammatically formal, etc, sometimes never leaves and it's jsut super-annoying. that's why if i want to do a little narrative of stuffthathappened i would rather do it by bullet-enumerations.

today (June 23) i went out in the afternoon (mainly for the sake of going out itself) and went to LB (it's a place) to buy a notebook because i am reading Pnin by Vladimir Nabokov and wanted to take down notes. i also want to look for underwear of this colour (is it turquoise or cyan? or aqua blue?) and buy dozens but i immediately forgot about it because i saw a pre-owned (pre-destroyed is more like it! ugh) copy of a biography of Sylvia Plath. and being my always oor apathetic self, i barely had any cash for more than one piece of desire.
book cover! i wish i have a tangible book isntead of a pathetic little ebook in my mobile :(
i kinda wish somebody would give me the briefs ofthat kind of shade, though. although it's quite embarrassing to receive such a present since giving presents of the clothing-category is more often than not followed by a "please wear it now! i want to see if it looks good on you!" --and i am not exactly looking forward to that. but still . . . idk. i want to hoarde neat and personal hygiene-related stuff because i might move out for a while from our house soon. i am not planning to run away, not this time, but there are reasons why i am likely to go. i can't tell about that yet either. ugh nevermind me.
no i am NOT fat. my jaws are just not well-crafted and tends to look like slime in this particular angle.


and ADHD!

✻ H E L L O ! ✻ ~
my name is Shin Oderschvank.
i am both feeling great and bad at the moment.

but that is not particularly the purpose of this entry.

i just wanted to show off some little achievement i have got in my pocket this month. yours truly was featured in ADHD magazine's latest issue! *insert mandatory audience clap* i swear i loved that digital mag since. and then one time Mavy Dolly suggested me to email to them some of my works and then later i heard from them and they sent me some questions (interview!) :) it's really fun and the feeling of seeing my work in their publication is sort of--uhh--idk. i actually cringed a little because i thought my works didn't look very nicely on layouts (aaahhhh. my fault. entirely.) but it was fine. the feeling of being there is overwhelming enough. i hope nobody hated me being the first article in the issue! :[]
PS; you are wrong. although i am always thought of having more than one certain mental and behavioural diseases, this magazine is not about that. it is if anything probably more of ADHD in terms of aesthetic shits, etc. or probably it's all about the HD-ness of it being a digitally released quarterly. i don't really know. i should have asked!
PSS; i am now about to post more pictures from the publication. if you didn't hear from me in three days' time chances are i am in jail because of screencapping their issue, sitting idly beside seminarian molesters, nuns with guns, etcetera.
PSSS; there are other pages of my feature that is not included here. i'm trying to lessen the chances of getting into jail here.

i might post the actual texts of the interview some time later. perhaps once they release a downloadable version in their Facebook page. but why wait and be lazy? YOU CAN READ THE MAGAZINE in it's glorious entirety RIGHT NOW. BY CLICKING THIS VIOLENTLY CAPSLOCKED SENTENCE. i swear the other features are fun too. and the past issues (i wish they make hard copies aaah i love hard copies (wut)).


in other news, it had been raining for some while now. summer has quite ended (for this week. the weather is mad anyways) and it is flood season already. i just get really scared whenever it rains strongly because our town's humble little chocolate river might fill up and extend it's waterly surfaces to the streets of town and if wild enough, to our household.

also i have not been painting for a long while now. like , since one week before school started, i think. i don't know. i just want to give it a rest for some time and get back at it when my heart is ready once more (wtf am i saying).
there are some matters i somehow look forward to, but i can't talk about them yet.
one thing i can talk about however is this little set of images i am gonna have for print this Thursday. it's all for my notebooks & journal. i did this instead of my massive pile of stupid homeworks and with brave ignorance of my growing collection of thesis-related MS Word documents.
life is too much fun to spend worrying, my friends. idk.


and psychic distance

let me tell you first about one of the preciously insignificant bits of knowledge i have learned from the past two weeks in class. this thing about writing (applies to other life matters too) called The Psychic Distance.
it is some sort of concept or element that is good to take note of when doing creative non-fiction, telling a story, writing a letter, and expressing feelings.

an example is this; say, a girl calls her bestfriend to talk about an encounter with her crush;
sample A (without PD) :: "hello, besty-friendy! ohmygod you wouldnt believe what happened! ashphsshhhdfgspssdsgghh !!!! he was so fcking arcdhbwjaeoou and i was like; arrdssshpffsdshhhd ohmygod gurl i swear it was like, sdadsdfdawedew!!!"
sample B (with PD) :: "hello, Gracia! you wouldn't believe what happened today! i was walking in the corridor, and my crush was there at the corner, looking at me! he had a knife in his hand and there was a resentful look on his face! i was so touched! i hope we meet again! ok i have to go now, see you!"

can you see it now? it's a wonderful thing, isn't it?
according to an online dictionary, Psychic Distance is;
the degree of emotional detachment maintained toward a person, group of people, event, etc.

psychic distance is applied when you are telling something whose emotional and trivial aspects are somehow different to what you have at the moment. when you talk about an embarrassing experience, if, say, it happened just a couple of minutes ago, chances are you'll be discussing it with a friend whilst blushing and giggling and acting all stupid and cutesy. but when you talk about it like, after a week or month or day of psychological separation (or "Psychic Distance"), you'll be able to narrate the embarrassing account on a more comprehensive way. you can control the tones, embellish the tale's atmosphere, and give the listener a convenient story to ponder upon/react to.


now, proceeding to my diary-entry here in boxuniverse (don't expect anything.),
i will do a little dropdown bullet-ed list of somehow  important matters that occurred this week.
* i have found one notable angel among the miserable army of frog-faced freshmen in our college department
* teacher says a couple of students shall be practice-teaching in University of Makati, the dorm-y housing is already provided. i am excited (want to be part of it)
* we have a subject called Creative Writing. i was very disappointed at this at first because the teacher literally didn't know what she's supposed to do. luckily she was replaced by a less dumb one. we were asked to make an anecdote/narrative last Tuesday and the teacher accused me of too much" meta-discourse" (i had to Google it! wtf) and exaggerated usage of flowery words (i was doing ikebana shit! lol), etc. regardless, i am still better than most of us. at least i was trying to hit the "Creative". some didn't even come close to "writing".
(* Metadiscourse is a term that is used in philosophy to denote a discussion about a discussion (and so on), as opposed to a simple discussion about a given topic.
The term metadiscourse is also used in writing to describe a word or phrase that comments on what is in the sentence, usually as an introductory adverbial clause. It is any phrase that is included within a clause or sentence that goes beyond the subject itself, often to examine the purpose of the sentence or a response from the author. Metadiscourse includes phrases such as "frankly," "after all," "on the other hand," "to our surprise," and so on. -- Wikipedia.)
* i am so torn between liking and hating school.
* i am so torn between liking and hating my haircut. (i realize earlier this afternoon it quite looks like my friend's daddy's haircut. suddenly i think it's cool.)
* i am totally keeping this smug i-hate-you-all look on my face whenever on hallways, corridors, grounds, etc. it is important for people to know who to not mess up with;
* my notebook in Creative Writing. i designed this just a while ago;

* i have read Jeffrey Eugenides' Middlesex. it is a genius book by a genius novelist.
* i saw American Beauty. it is a perfect film. the ending sequence (and sudden Beatle music!) struck my heart right to its core.
* "I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday." -- Lester. protagonist of American Beauty.
i really thought i am gonna write lots of things now but my mind is currently an empty hard drive. (and i should do my thesis! fuck.)
goodbye now.


and This Is England

so this appreciation screencap-inspiration post should have appeared sooner. but i had been too busy contemplating suicide these past days that i totally forgot about it. also, i've been totally into Sherlock (the BBC series) and is currently going through the overly heartfelt pains of yearning for the 3rd season.

This Is England is a very good movie. visually and morally. the characters are real, you can totally love or hate them and you'll still find it all okay in the end. it does not pretend to go deepshit or whatever. maybe this could be placed on the coming-of-age genre.
i liked the clothing and cinematography very much.
my feelings, especially when on a hint of admiration, is always difficult to write about, so nevermind me and look at these low-quality (idk why. is saved them properly. as a GIF.) screencaps i took.
note that these do not go accordingly to the sequence of scenes in the film.

look at all those colour schemes! and the juxtaposition!
goddamnit i wish i have their clothes! and the accent.
i almost forgot to say, but their nicknames were also very interesting! Lol, Milky, Tubs, Smells, Combo, Cynth, etc. cool, right? it somehow made the plot premise more interesting.

i swear This Is England is a bittersweet feel-good feel-bad sociorealist neighbourly eye-candy movie. it's good.


and Because. . .

sometimes i think of my life and my heart just gets filled with bad black ink and my whole body aches because i get too stressed out for matters taking place and past woes and future tragedies.
i try to keep a positive perspective of things because they say it invites good vibes but in my current situation it is quite difficult.
there are just so many sad things and people that make me mad and sad and i feel so alone everyday. the more people around, the more i feel alone. and i am worrying about a tons of shit. i don't always worry, but they are always there. my feelings are shadows hanging in midair, crawling around, following me like an umbrella giving hell a panoramic point of view of me. it's not so much fun.
the world in general is beautiful, as i said so before, but idk. sometimes eyes are too blurry from tears that you can't see clearly anymore.