and some matters about the "self".

as i have said before, i am very much keeping certain matters to myself that would probably make me feel lighter if i  let out here. but i feel it is now isn't the time for it yet. it may always seem like i am the kind of person who wants to let out my miseries to everyone but that is not exactly how it works. my twitter is a place for both arbitrary and constant feelings wailing to be addressed, but still, i don't want (me and anyone-) to think that i am a reckless driver of words i itch to scream off. i acknowledge the fine line between the act of expressing emotions for one's own comfort and the consideration of the reader's consumption of the thoughts of people they follow or befriend online.

i might carelessly talk about the things that bother me (there's not a great number of it anyways) some time soon, when i do not cling to the concept of psychic distance during these blogging-times. i sometimes feel drained too, as though i have no more water inside me to pour out. in front of my diary i could be a faucet twisted open to its limit, with no liquids coming out, just making strange sounds from echoes of pipes as its intestines. maybe its because i am a person of many ways to let out steam. i have three notebooks for my thoughts and ramblings, i have a scratch/trash-doodle pad, i have twitter, a facebook (where i usually post a long rant only to delete it after twenty seconds), this blog, and of course, there's painting..

being a rather unintelligent semi-creative diarist, i may appear to another person as an egoistic scum who thinks too much of one's self. maybe most of the time i really am that. but not always. not often. i like to think of my (inner) self as a garden, where i plant in only the nicest and wildest flowers i have, and i put the others out on a different yard (my notebooks). although i write my best flowers there, too. (this is actually tricky to explain)

i have this new tumblr blog where i post writings; short stories, etc. (which i won't link in here but would tell you the URL if you ask). i have shown it to a couple of friends, but i would much prefer if strangers read it and tell me their comments/opinions. it's just so annoying because people who know me read my shit and think only of my works as overly dramatic rants/diary entries that shouldn't be taken seriously. they don't see my attempts of writing styles and drama of it. they're just like; "wow, you're still very bitter about that." and when they're like that i feel very much obliged to punch them in the face.