and melancholy

art by Manix Abrera

i feel the need to write something everyday. yet my diary remains blank. anyways, here is something i wrote in December 5 after somebody told me that she's actually afraid to talk to me sometimes since i am, like, a blade-mouthed person. something like that. more or less.
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i just want to cry right now. the world is truly a terrible place and so is the world inside me. i want to cry so often but i suppress everything because crying is uncool and that means i'm comforting me. and i hate me, so i don't. by the way, by "crying", i don't mean something like a *sob sob sob* teary-eyed shitvomit or something that makes my face look like this emoticon: (T-T). in Shin's case it's more of a asfghjkiuytdcvbjkj-killkillkill state of being.

Why?
i hate myself all too well. it upsets me these days that everyone has a misjudgment on me. or maybe they're all right and i'm the one who's got a wrong idea of who i really am? (if that's the case, then it's really really depressing.)

it's crazy and i am getting confused. people see me now as a very mean person who should not be trusted or liked since they claim i am too outspoken and verbally offensive. and it's weird since i am actually suppressing lots of thoughts that may have been brutal/awful to hear! Gaaah.. ..also, nobody trusts me. they think i just lie a lot and planning to trick them into something nasty. so ok, i may be prank-y sometimes but that's it, when i say "i didn't do anything" well guess what, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. these two miserable predicaments are so contradictory. ugh. problem 1 is that i am too honest with my words, problem 2 is that i seem like a big liar, so i don't know anymore. the other day i realized two people whom i think i can go all real-Shin witha re quite 'intimidated' by me because i am 'sensitive', 'critical', or overly affective that i tend to be harsh on others.

i don't know.
far as i'm concerned, i treasure my friend's feelings alot and try not to hurt them as much as possible. yet, apparently, i do

such troubles lead to myself asking "what the fuck, Shin what is really going on with you? WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY? what do you really want/need/eat?" and it's all too depressing.

maybe i just lack sleep and ice cream?
aaaah.
you can all leave me now.